Here’s a ‘copy and paste’ from an email Drayton sent me when I started working with him, all those years ago.
I kept it because it’s sound advice. It will keep you on the straight and narrow when it comes to making sales.
“Al:
Please take the time to see exactly how I changed the e-mail. You will see it is shorter and more friendly.
Broadly, I follow the prescriptions laid down by George Orwell in his essay, “Politics and the English Language”
1. Never use a metaphor, simile or other figure of speech which you are used to seeing in print.
(e.g.) “At the end of the day” rather than “in the end”; “Put it to the acid test” rather than “test thoroughly”.
2. Never use a long word where a short one will do.
(e.g.) ” buy ” rather than ” Purchase “; ” wrote” rather than ” authored “.
3. If you can cut a word out, always do so.
(e.g.) “Miss out on” should be “miss”; “male personnel” should be “men”; “for free” is free.
4. Never use the passive where you can use the active.
A biblical example would be “Esau was slain by Jacob” becomes “Jacob slew Esau”.
Or, from a typical business document, “We are concerned that should this recommendation be turned down, the charity’s revenues will be adversely affected ” should be “We believe you must act on this recommendation to maintain the charity’s revenues”
5. Never use a foreign phrase, a scientific word, or a jargon word if you can think of an everyday English equivalent. (There is more dire jargon in business than anywhere else).
(e.g.) “Interface” is better as “talk with”; “your core competences” is better as “what you do best”.
6. Break any of these rules sooner than say anything outright barbarous.”
I’ll bet the shirt on my back after reading these, you’ll see chunks of your sales letter that could do with an edit.
Best
Al